“LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW…”
Okay, enough is enough is enough already. What’s with the weather this winter? This past week most of the country, from the Midwest to the Northeast, was inundated with snow, freezing temperatures, high winds, sleet and ice. We
are in the New York area, which hasn’t dug out since the blizzard that hit right after Christmas. Yes, it was a real, genuine blizzard. Chicago isn’t the only big city that gets clobbered in the winter. This year everyone gets to share in the fun.
We could start a lively debate about where this is all coming from. Some will tell you it’s El Nino, some say global warming ( below zero is warming??), some say it’s getting close to the end of the Mayan calendar and the end of time. We’re not entirely sure how a tribe of people living in a hot jungle would come up with snow to explain the end of the world, but you never know. Scientists have been strangely silent about it all, which makes us suspicious that possibly something big is up and we’re not being told about it. The weather reporters only talk about what’s happening, not why. Possibly this is due to global something or other. Or maybe the earth has tilted on its axis. Or maybe Sarah Palin and the Alaskans have found a way to control the weather and are trying to take over the rest of the nation.
Whatever the cause, it has to be dealt with. In some areas snow is piled so high you can’t see cars and houses. Snow plows keep pushing the white stuff off the street and the curbs seem lost forever below mounds of ice. Cars that were left on the street are completely encased in ice and snow. We see frustrated drivers trying to dig out before the alternate side of the street parking rules kick in and the street sweeper arrives. Yes, New York still has street sweepers regardless of weather. It’s some kind of leftover mob deal that no one ever questions.
So we have a modest proposal. We have done some experiments and found that high charge explosives and firearms work really well against ice and snow. This has the double benefit of not only helping us cope with snowfalls, but also keeping the arms industry busy now that Iraq has slowed down. Here’s how it works. Hand grenades work great on ice dams. Just be sure to stay far enough away when it goes off, and definitely practice your throwing so it doesn’t end up on a neighbor’s porch. A .44 caliber handgun also works well to fix a frozen car lock, and handheld missile launchers will clear a street a lot faster than a snow plow can.
During the first blizzard of the winter New York’s Mayor Bloomberg apparently decided to save funds so a lot of streets never got plowed. There was a major uproar from residents who weren’t able to drive their cars for a few days. Not that there’s anywhere in New York you can really drive to, but it’s mandatory, that if you own a car, to get out and help create traffic jams on the local highways at least once or twice a week. A lot of people take their cars out, get on the Hudson Parkway, for example, and just drive for a while then go back and park.
A city crew, armed with various types of explosives, could have cleaned up the streets in no time. It probably would have had the added benefit of keeping complaints to a minimum. The blizzard in Chicago did seem more extreme than in New York, but for those really severe storms they do make small thermonuclear devices that could easily rid the city of unwanted snow and ice. With the exception of Utah, we just don’t think that the roads and highways departments of major cities are creative enough when it comes to dealing with winter problems. We do need to point out however that we’ve not tested our theory on roadways over bridges.
Our staff was so excited at the possibilities of re-purposing military grade weapons that we are now looking into other uses for them as well. For example, an M-16 will clear a clogged toilet without any of the mess of using a plunger. A .50 caliber machine gun is perfect for aerating a lawn, and mortars (if aimed accurately) are perfect for removing tree stumps.
So the next time there is a major snow storm, forget about a snow shovel and breaking your back. Visit your local armory and pick up some firearms and explosives to clear your driveway, de-ice the car locks and melt icy sidewalks. Sadly, the army has more or less given up on flame throwers, but if these harsh winters continue the manufacturers may bring them back. And above all don’t forget to write letters to your mayor insisting they adopt a better way to clear the streets. If we’re going to have continued deep freeze conditions from global warming then we need better tools to deal with it.
Note: This past January, police in Abington, Mass., arrested a man for using military grade explosives to clear away hundreds of pounds of snow from the front of his residence. Ski resorts routinely use thousands of pounds of explosives a year to control avalanches, and the Utah Department of Transportation uses military artillery rounds for the same purpose in canyons where drivers could become trapped. For areas without access to military weapons, there is a device called an Avalauncher that looks like a small cannon and can fire a kilogram of explosives up to 2,000 yards away. This device has been used for about 50 years for “avalanche mitigation.” To the best of our knowledge it has never been used in New York or Chicago.
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