…I’m up to here in lies, guess I’m down to size… from Talk Talk, Sean Bonniwell, 1966
The subject of lying on a resume or job application seems to be coming up a lot lately so it got us wondering why. The answer, in one word, is that “it’s complicated.” Okay, that’s actually three words or two and one abbreviated word. We lied. How do you like it? Ugly huh? You wanted to believe us but we outright lied. Well we won’t lie to you again, at least not until next time.
There are dozens and dozens of books and studies about the psychology of lying, lying on resumes, the art of lying, lying for dummies, lying up and lying down, but we didn’t have the time to read any of them so we turned to our resident resume expert Fred. No, we’re not lying again. We really didn’t bother to read any of the studies.
Fred has given us some do’s and don’ts about resumes and job applications that he learned from a young friend of his, Adam Wheeler. All of this is especially relevant right now because the NY Times has reported that no one over the age of 50 will ever find a job again as long as they live. And we know that if the NY Times says it is so, it is. Just accept it.
If you are over 50, and we presume you are or you wouldn’t be reading this because you’d be off texting someone, then please pay attention. There is still some hope of finding a job if you’re out of work. Fred says so. Here are three do’s and don’ts for resumes if you’re still out there collecting deposit cans for a living these days.
Do…
…be honest on your resume as painful as it may be. Don’t make up dates and times and places, leave them out altogether. The general rule of thumb with HR people is that if you’ve been out of work over a year then you are very likely a close relative of Boo Radley and prone to stabbing people with scissors. If you put in old dates you will be dismissed out of hand because there are at least 3,714 younger people applying for the same job you are. If you leave out dates it aggravates HR (they like things nice and neat and tidy) but they might call you to find out what’s going on. It’s a bit of a bait and switch and getting a call is good. Even if they say “no thanks” you have their number and can keep calling them back, again and again and again until they either call the authorities or give you a job.
…keep your resume to one page and use lots of bullet points. Remember that most HR people are less than half your age and don’t like to read, at least not what you have to tell them. If it happened more than five minutes ago it’s irrelevant. If you can find a way to reduce your resume to a 140-character text message even better.
…include a cover letter but don’t waste a lot of time on it (see above about reading habits of HR people). The cover letter these days is really just to tell them that the attached form is a resume and please, oh God please oh please don’t throw it away without some sort of consideration. Begging is generally looked down on, but now and then it can get you a phone call. Try not to beg on the phone though, it’s really demeaning no matter how much the employer likes it.
Don’t…
…lie about stuff in a big way, unless you think you can be the next Frank Abagnale Jr., but we would remind you that he did most of his lying before the age of 19 and you, frankly, ain’t 19 anymore. If you do lie and get away with it, please write to us how you did it so we can do it too. Boomers have to start sticking together. There are also a number of web sites you can use to create a fake degree, fake work history and fake company with someone to answer the phone to confirm you worked there. Fred is still trying these out and we’ll get back to you with his results.
…apply for a job as a Walmart greeter if your resume says you were once a senior manager for a high-tech company that made parts for the space program. They will not be impressed with your credentials and will immediately suggest that you won’t be satisfied to stay in their position for very long. As if anyone this side of complete desperation would. Also, that job has a waiting list from now until the year 2525. If man is still alive.
…apply for a job as a senior manager for a high-tech company that makes parts for the space program if your resume mentions Walmart in multiple places. In this day and age there is very little crossover allowed in the job market. It works this way now – you spend a gazillion dollars for an education to specialize in one thing. That one thing becomes obsolete and you are on the path to extinction with the rest of the baby boomers. The days of generalization are over.
Fred wishes you all well in your job search, if you are searching. If you’re already (or still) employed he recommends that you look up the word “obsequious” and study how to do it by watching old movies about the Roman Empire.
Note: A survey by CareerBuilder.com found that just 8% of U.S. workers polled admitted to some form of truth stretching on their resumes. In the same survey, 49% of U.S. companies reported finding applicants with faulty resume information. The Society for Human Resource Management reports that 96% of its member companies do background checks on applicants, and over 45% of all employers now use social networks as a tool when checking on applicants. If you want to try fudging the facts anyway, CareerExcuse.com will provide you with a fake company and phone cover for $64 year. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
コメント