“Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.” Erma Bombeck
I’m not a politician, I don’t run a corporation and I’m not a nobel prize winner, so I’m disqualified from ever giving a graduation speech at a college. In fact, the colleges (yes, plural) I went to are happy to send me small annual stipends to not ever mention I went there. But I’ve always wanted to give a graduation speech, other than one delivered at the dinner table to grown children who would rather have teeth drilled than listen to me one more time.
Graduation should be a happy time. The graduates, if they can find work, get disposable income and can move back home and have their laundry done for free. Parents can reunite with adult children and receive advice about everything they’ve done wrong raising kids. It is truly a joyous time for families.
So what does a graduate do now? That’s always been the question. In the late 60’s we were told “get into plastic,” and many boomers did just that, especially during the interest-free ’80’s. Some graduates will look for work, some will decide to further depress the family finances with graduate school, and some will try to discover who they are by exploring the philosophical significance of trance music and mojitos.
Here is my speech to today’s graduates. For those who need my credentials before listening to this, let’s just say that I was the Ambassador to South Guano during the Clinton Administration and now I run flea markets to raise money for the Fund to Save Med Flies. That should make me at least as qualified to speak as most corporate CEO’s.
Friends, parents, graduates and non-gender specific participants of the human race, I welcome you to the end of the first decade of the twenty-first century. As we move forward to the next decade, it’s important to assess what has been accomplished so far in this new millenium. So I suggest you do that.
The education you just got, the one that your parents sacrificed their retirement to pay for, will give you the skills you need to face today’s challenges. Challenges like unemployment, poverty and healthcare – and those are just a few of the things you need to help your parents with. We’re depending on you to pick up the gauntlet and make the world a better place. We’re also depending on you to keep the social security system alive and well.
I won’t bore you with tales of my generation, how we had to walk to school in the snow with just a light jacket and sandals, and yes it really was uphill both ways. I won’t discuss how we struggled to stay in college during the protests, how hard we worked to afford Boone’s Farm, and how as adults we were victims to the imperialist, running-dog lackey, war-mongering capitalists who run the financial system. Last but not least I won’t bring up what it was like to raise ungrateful children.
So go forward into the world, take over the war on terrorism, the war on drugs, the war on poverty, the war on pollution and especially the war on aging. Because one day you’ll be standing up here begging your progeny to work hard so they can take care of you in your old age. The world needs you, your parents need you, so get out there and get busy. I’m pooped. I’m happy to hand it all over. I just want to sit around and watch a ballgame and have a beer. The world is in your hands now.
In closing, let me quote to you words of wisdom I got from my late grandfather when I graduated from school. He took me aside and said this, “Son, you’re a mess and I feel sorry for the world when your generation takes over. But frankly I don’t care because I won’t be around to see it.”
Thank-you, have a great life.
And so it goes. Another year, another batch of graduates and new hope there will be enough people working to pay for social security and medicare. It’s the great cycle of life.
Note: The statistics on college graduation have remained fairly constant over the past decade. In general, students who start college at age 18 are ten times more likely to graduate than those starting after the age of 30. Under 12% of students who start community college go on to earn a 4-year degree within six years, and about 60% of students who start at a 4-year school will finish with a bachelors degree. Most of the growth rates at colleges come from an increase in older, immigrant and low income students.
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