Miranda: I had to walk all the way from the subway in these heels. My feet are killing me. Steve: Why didn’t you just carry them and wear sneakers like everyone else?” Miranda: Stop. You can take me out of Manhattan but you can’t take me out of my shoes.
(from Sex and the City, Season 2)
It was recently brought to our attention that a significant number of baby boomer men have lived over 50 years and still have no clue about women and shoes. You know who you are. We see you with the wife or girlfriend sitting in a shoe store looking like you’re waiting for an execution. When asked for an opinion you nod and smile and hope she will move away quickly before she starts asking if the shoes match the outfit she bought last month – one you wouldn’t recognize if your life depended on it. Let’s face it guys, this stuff is not like keeping up with the latest NFL scores. For men, it’s a lot easier to remember who’s on injured reserve for the Dallas Cowboys than it is to even start to comprehend why females can be so fascinated with a hunk of dead cow.
Women’s shoes are like swimsuits. The less material used the greater the price. A sensible one-piece swimsuit probably runs about $19.95 at Sears, while a bikini made from a piece of string can run into the thousands of dollars. Granted, we like the string version better, but that’s not for discussion in this forum.
Shoes with linguini straps, rice paper soles and spiked heels will cost at least 50 times the price of a pair of good, sensible Timberland hiking shoes. If you ask why, you’ll get the immediate reply, “would you like to see me in a silky dress wearing hiking boots?” If you live anywhere but the mountains your response to that should be silence.
At last count there are at least 82 million styles of women’s shoes on the market today. You don’t need to know the terms for them all, or the designer names, but for basic survival you should know that women’s shoes come with or without heels, with or without straps to hold them on, and with or without soles or uppers. They might slip on easily, or they might require your help with an effort somewhat reminiscent of giving birth. Boots are always popular and this season it’s very in to wear boots with shorts despite what your mother told you years ago. In fact, we strongly suggest you pretty much forget everything your mother taught you about fashion before venturing into a shoe store with a modern female partner.
We have it on good authority from a highly experienced female shoe expert we know that buying shoes is a psychological thing somewhat akin to the way you might fantasize about tools at Home Depot. To a woman, every shoe she tries on is a bit of a Cinderella experience – an indulgence – an affirmation that she is still feminine and beautiful and not just plain old Jane Doe. And men, ALL women are beautiful. Get with the program. These are the creatures who clean up after your misadventures at the toilet bowl and make sure there are cold beers in the fridge. If they want to inflict pain on themselves at the shoe store, grin and bear it.
If you haven’t noticed, women’s shoes are about having a collection. You may be able to live with two pairs of shoes, but a woman needs a closetful of shoes even if she never wears them all. Just going into the closet and seeing her collection seems to reassure her that all is right with the world. You can tell a hardcore collector because she will even keep her shoes in the original boxes.
For most women, the search itself is more exciting than actually owning the shoes and, apparently, shoes cannot be purchased entirely on their own merits. They have to match something in the woman’s wardrobe but be different to the world in general. This is tricky guys. Women hate to dress like other women, but most are stuck with mass production like everyone else. Trying to be unique is a constant guessing game of what other women are going to wear on any given day. Frankly, it must be exhausting.
The most important thing to learn about women and their shoes is that men are dunces and idiots. We know nothing and we have no sense of taste or style. Yet we are a prime reason why they are torturing their feet, and they will ask our opinions anyway. However, you should also know that there is a higher reason for shoe purchases and it’s much more important than your approval: the recognition and approval of other women. The ultimate compliment to a woman is to be told by another woman that her shoes are really cool. Why? Because the other woman doesn’t have them.
Note: A recent survey showed that the average woman will spend around $25,000 on shoes over a lifetime, a total of about 470 pairs. At any given time, women own 19-20 pairs of shoes: three pairs of heels, six pairs of flip-flops, flats, sandals or wedges, three pairs of boots and four pairs of “foxy-style.” They also own two pairs of “sensible” work shoes and have one or two from “random” purchases. Most women can easily justify shoe purchases to themselves, but 25% keep it secret from partners who “wouldn’t understand.” Four in 10 women judge other women by the shoes they wear. Special thanks to shoe collector Silvia L. for her tireless efforts to enlighten everyone on this topic.
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